looking ahead

Written Sunday, 10.18.09

I hate making mistakes.

Really hate it.

Although this aversion has been tempered by time and maturity (OK, a small amount of maturity... I'm convinced you can't teach middle school AND be a complete grown up), it is perhaps telling that one of my most distinct memories of kindergarten involves being reprimanded for coloring the face of a little Dutch person (yes, in klompen and the whole nine yards) yellow.

OK, here's the thing.

We had the 8-color crayon sets. What color was I supposed to use? Purple?

Well, apparently I was supposed to leave it white.

I'm going to avoid getting into a whole 'nother discussion and simply leave the story at that. The point is that my natural tendency, even as a cute little kindergartner (yes, I was once cute, believe it or not) is to assume that a.) there is a right way to do everything and a right answer to every dilemma and b.) in order to be a successful human being I must always find that right solution.

Ha.

What a load of crap that is!

The way this has spilled over into various parts of my life struck me (WHACK!) as I was playing organ at church tonight.

See, the thing about playing music is... well... it's full of notes.

Shocking, I know.

And sometimes (OK, often) we musicians don't get them all right.

But sometimes I like to think that I can micromanage it all and never mess up, which in organ playing anyway usually results in a sore neck.

I should explain.

You see, on the organ - particularly the fantabulous monstrosity that is the LG organ - there are waaaay too many things going on in far too large a geographic area to be able to physically see them all at once. Well, unless you have, like, 8 eyes that can all operate independently. Which would make you a freak.

Anyway!

When I am in a fearful, mistake-avoidance mindset, I just about break my neck as I try to carefully look at each hand and foot, as well as the music, waaay more often than I should, rather than simply trusting my knowledge of the console, watching the music, and letting my hands and feet do what they already know how to do without the active interference of my brain. I get caught - my mind stuck on the present note and sometimes even mired in past ones - and I'm not able to play musically.

And so all this got me thinking about life, as so many things do. (It seems I have a penchant for waxing philosophical. I also just like finding reasons to use the word "waxing." And "penchant." Oh, and "eschew.") It really ties directly in to the sermon Stan gave this morning. (Go and listen to it if you have the time. I recommend it.) His sermon was about finding God's will, and he used a lot of ideas from the book Just Do Something, which I also highly recommend.

In a nutshell, oftentimes we get ourselves tied up in knots trying to discern what is the will of God. We obsess over decisions, wondering which job we should take or where should live or who (or if) we should marry, etc., hoping and praying for some magical sign or answer that will make everything clear. But the reality is that the will of God is for us to be sanctified - to be made holy - to be more like Him. And so, if we are doing that, then we ARE in the will of God. And we can do that wherever we are, in whatever job, in whatever city, in whatever situation of life.

Isn't that amazing?

As someone who hates doing the "wrong" thing, this has been one of the most freeing learnings of my entire life. It's something God had been showing me but it has been reinforced rather incredibly through this book and now through Stan's sermon.

I cannot tell you how much time I spent in college wringing my hands over what I was going to do with the rest of my life. And even in the years since I have not felt completely at peace. I was afraid that I was missing something, that if things weren't going just right it meant I was in the wrong career, had chosen the wrong path, or needed to make a change in order to be in God's will.

News flash.

Life is messy. Things don't go right. That's just the way it is. We live in a fallen world.

But if I am seeking God and through Him being made Christlike, then I am in His will.

And those decisions? Well, they do still have to be made. And both Stan and the book gave some pretty great suggestions for how to do that.

I'll let you read and listen for yourself, because they can say it better than I. Or just check out Stan's sermon outline.

And tomorrow is a new day - so go out and do something!