too much

I have anxiety and depression. Let's just get that out of the way right now. It's generally under control now; I see a counselor and take medication. But times like now are when it threatens to spiral out of control again.

Times like now... Those moments in life when you are riding up that first hill of a roller coaster - click, click click, click - peering over the edge, waiting for the drop, feeling the pit in your stomach, knowing there's a crazy ride ahead, unsure if you will love it or hate it. It's that feeling of spinning too many plates and not being sure if you can keep them all going. It's knowing and seeing and being aware of all that needs to be done, and yet being unable to keep a grasp on it all.

I don't know if that makes sense. I hope it does. I'll be honest - there's no way I'm going to have time to proofread or edit this, so it is what it is.

School starts next week. My mind is spinning, and my emotions are all over the place. I'm excited to go back to work, but sad to no longer spend my days at home with Lydia. I have some new responsibilities at school this year, and I'm worried that it will be too much for me to handle. I am still playing organ and playing in HSO. On the one hand, I enjoy the musical outlet and the social aspect of HSO. On the other hand, after a full day of school, I'd really like to just pick Lydia up from daycare and go home, and not have to squeeze in an organ practice session. I don't want to spend Saturday afternoon at church. I don't want to leave Lydia at daycare all day, and then turn around and leave her with a babysitter 3-4 nights out of the week (even though it's often one of her awesome grandparents).

Let's take today. After a full day of inservices, I rush to church, cram in some organ practice (if you can even call it that, since all I really have time to do is register things and run through them, no actual "practicing"), rush to daycare, rush home, already tired and stressed, knowing that I have a full plate of work yet to do after Lydia goes to bed, not to mention that I have no idea what to make for dinner, the kitchen is a mess, there's unfolded laundry everywhere.... You get the idea.

Poor Aaron. I am never pleasant when I come in the door on days like this. I pretty much just grouse about how I'm done - I'm sick of doing it all - I want to quit everything. And in the moment, it feels completely true. I think I've pretty much tried to do it all since high school, if not before. I'm sick of keeping up with 3 instruments, having a full-time job, playing organ and HSO, and trying to keep the house more or less in order. Oh, and you know, being a mom. Can you say mom guilt?? I picked up Lydia today; she has a great daycare, but it's just not the same as being at home.

Now I know that being at home full-time would have a completely different set of challenges, so please don't think that I'm imagining it to be the "easy way out". I know that it's not. I don't really even think that staying at home full-time would be what I really want. I still like my job. I'm just sick of being so busy all the time, trying to do it all.

Just STOP.

Stop the craziness.

Let me come home after school and play with my little girl, soak up her smiles, read her books, take her on bike rides, not brush off her calls for attention as I try to pick up the house or work on school stuff.

Let me be home with my family on a Saturday, not rushing off to church to try to accomplish a week's worth of organ practice in one day.

Just let me... be.